Fattery

No getting around it. I'm gaining weight. Fast. And I better do something about this. Otherwise I'm going to end up like my dad. Or my stepdad. Or be big enough for both.

How did it get this way? I could swear I ate like a horse when I was still in Davao but now? Lord. I eat three square meals a day, with a cup and a half of rice with each meal, and then I start ballooning. Either the food here in Manila is saturated with fat or my metabolism has slowed down.

Whatever the reason is, I'm cutting down on the amount of rice I'm eating during each meal. It's going to be a challenge. I've gotten accustomed to feeling full after I eat. Not to have that sensation makes me feel... empty. Literally. Not hungry. Just empty.

Rahil will really laugh a tme when we visit Davao this December. We used to call her the chubby one in my generation. And now I'm getting there. Sigh.

Going Overseas and Staying

A lot of Filipinos itch to work abroad, but not me. I like it here just fine. I undertand other people's reasons. Work opportunity is minimal here. New vistas await. Being forced to save is an asset. Separation from stifling families. Whatever those reasons are, I can't seem to find a resonance within me. I bid my compatriots a bon voyage but on these shores I will remain.

Make no mistake. I do want to travel to other countries. But for pleasure, not necessity. When I go overseas, I want to go as a tourist. The last thing I want is worrying about work visas and renewing them. I can't see myself doing that.

It's ironic that despite me being something of a loner, I tend to like watching what happens here in the Philippines. Sure, the social and political climates suck big time but I'm hoping that enough Filipinos will get the right attitude and will actually make nationhood work. Not posturing, not hollow pride, but a strong faith of who Filipinos are and what we stand for. A pride that does not need identification with the few successful Filipinos who wrest fame overseas. Let pride come from within, not from some other person without.

It might take a long time before that happens though. But I certainly hope the country my children grows up in will be like that. A country where no one will have to leave his or her family just to keep them fed and shelterd and educated. No more need for quasi-broken families.

Speaking of OFW families, it's fascinating how everyone else stops working once there's an OFW in the family. It's as if everyone thinks it's their birthright to be supported by the kin slaving away on distant lands. I'd give a lot to just be able to slap some sense in their collective heads. If you want real progress and wealth, then get your collective butts together and work!

Planning and Procrastination

A trait of mine that I would really love to change. But it's so damned difficult. I know where I need to go, I know what I need to do to get there, but implimenting my damned plans always seem like a colossal effort.

For starters, I've been meaning to update my debts and get myself solvent but no. Seven months down the line and I'm still 2 months behind my rent. On the bright side, I've been to Enchanted Kingdon, gone to visit Tarlac, and bought a few books to keep me company. And oh yeah. Ate out from a few select food places I've never tried before.

But the point is, I can't stick to my plans as much as I should. Sigh. Looks like baby steps for now. Watch my spending. Don't splurge too much. Establish a budget. Stick to it. Now if I can only stave off temptation, then I think I'm all set.

Focus

Alright. I've already made my replacement LJ account. It will be as thus: everyday musings to LJ, thoughts and reflections to Blogspot.

There! Things should be more cohesive in the future.

Access Hunt

Ok, this is irritating. I've an online account that I can't access. Bloody hell. And the email associated with it has no outside access. Crap.

I'm playing the waiting game, the waiting game, the waiting game...

I'm beat. Exhausted. Dead tired. Dog tired even. And my eyes are ember-red enough to prove it.

Sigh. Just as well it's the weekends now. God. I can't even celebrate the fact. Anyways, meh.

I've made a number of resolutions at work. This is as close as I'll be talking about my job. Promotion won't be due until next year at the earliest. Which means what I do now is only to improve my stats for next year's annual appraisal. Sigh. Waiting's hard.

But in the meantime, I've got time to work on my work ethics. It needs improvement. Or rather, it could be better. The same goes for my EQ. I'm turning 29 years old and I still have a lot of growing up to do.

A Lost Generation... And Lessons

It's sad. No matter the distance between my mom and her sisters, blood tells. I just hope I manage to steer clear of their lot in life.

I can't really relate to their generation. One thing they have in common and it's that one thing I avoid the most. Their negativity. Whether it's my mom or her two younger sisters, they all complain about the same things. Poor health, poverty, loneliness...

I keep trying to cheer them up but nothing seems to work. I've practically given up on my mom. During the 14 years I was with her in Davao, all my efforts to get her to live her life ended for naught. She still wallowed in self-pity about her unhappy marriage and unloving family. Meh. I kept repeating the mantra "Only you can truly help yourself", but it seems my words fell on deaf ears.

No better for the two younger aunts of mine. One's in Mandaluyong but her life's on the way down it seems. I can't get her to accept her girlfriend's proposal. Relocate to Bicol and get herself established there. But no. She refused to listen to pleas.

And my aunt in Canada? Ha! She's on welfare and the emails she had sent me are the most extreme examples of self-pity I've ever seen. Damnation but going thru her words was a struggle in itself.

I don't even want to imagine what my aunt who's incarcerated in Laguna. The fact that she lost everything due to drug addiction means there must be an awful lot for her to gripe about. Let's not add the fact that I think she hates me personally. She was always so hard on me back then. Faugh! That was ages ago. Better forget about it.

Mitch's right. I refuse to have their pessimism drag me down. I'm a cynic but I don't give up on every day that I still breathe. The attitude I have is to fight, fight, fight, 'til the dying of the light.

If they won't enjoy what pleasure there is... Meh. They waster their lives I think. Hmmm... I wonder where they went wrong. Oh. I know. They wasted their youth. They also didn't hold a stable job. No earnings, no preparations whatsover. Damn. Not planting early does tell. Misery if the only fruit for lack of direction. And lack of action.

Lesson: I better start earning for something. My own house, savings, a business or two, and a nest fund. I'm gonna need those. Let's face it. I may escape my predecessors bleakness, but small chance I can escape our genetic weakness. Oh God, how I wish I take after my father's side. There doesn't seem to be much illnesses in his family tree.

And they trickle away once again....

Pay was yesterday but already I'm watching my cash pile slowly dwindle away. Lord but I hate it when that happens. Pay's good but unfortunately, my expenses are bigger.

For starters, my mom had asked yesterday what time she should withdraw from her ATM. That meant I can't hold off going to the bank, despite the drowsiness I felt. So off I went. I hate the noon sun. Really.

Damn it. Why are my mom and her sisters afflicted with systemic illnesses? Mom's down with lupus and that means she needs her medications badly. Why can't they be healthy, or at least not sick.

Anyways, no choice. I had to wire 2.5 grands. She asked for 3 grands but knowing my expenses, I know I'll be needing all the peso I can get my hands on. As I have written so many times before, I need financial independence.

Anyways, got to take precautionary measures. No excessive spending for the pay cycle. God knows I have to start saving in preparation for the Baguio trip. Also, I've decided weeks ago to restructure my rent's payment scheme. Shelling out 2.5 grands twice a month is no joke. Got to lessen it so I wouldn't be so short every payday.

So. What now? Boring weekends, that's for sure. I itch to go malling but let's face it. That costs money. Sigh. I don't drink outside anymore. But neither can I go watch movies. Ah well. There are cheaper alternatives available. I can buy DVD's with Mitch.

I could use a console. If I'll spend my weekends at the dorm, might as well avoid boredom. Hellspawn. Got to do a little collection. I'm not keen on a PS3 anymore. It's expensive, and the games cost a lot. But push comes to shove, I'll buy the other share if he can't pay back my share. That means that'll happen on November's end... If I'm lucky enough to get my share again, I think I'll buy a used PS2 unit. There's an awful lot of PS2 games I haven't finished yet.

Chickes n' Patties

I remember a song by Britney Spears. I can't for the life of me remember the bloody title. but the chorus goes "Everytime I see you in my dreams, I see your face, it's haunting me. I guess I miss you, baby."

The song brings back memories because it reminds me of my first paid job. I was a waiter for Chickies n' Patties, a local fastfood joint with 5 branches in Davao. The song became popular during the time was waiting tables. This was 5 years ago now.

I had just dropped from college due to lack of money and the situation at home was stifling. The sight of my mom and her husband being unable to raise the needed cash for everyday living and being uncertain as to where the next meal will be coming from... Well, it drove me. I was determined not to be a burden to my stepdad.

I remember scouring the newspaper ads for a job. Any job. And the few I could qualify for were all for sales positions. I hated them all. I remember wandering downtown Davao for hours looking for little-known job postings that would accept an undergraduate. I remember becoming desperate for any job.

And then I found Chickies n' Patties. They were looking for a dishwasher. I had 7 years of college under my belt, and I was applying for a job where I dip my arms up to my elbows in soapy water to scrub plates and crockery.

The hiring officer was kind enough to 'upgrade' me to be a waiter. She kept asking me if I'm sure. She kept looking at the school where I came from. And I kept repeating yes, I want the job. I didn't let her know how desperate I was. She might take it to her head to lower my pay or something. Or cadge favors from me so I can be hired. Talk about paranoia.

Anyways, the pay still sucked. I can't imagine how I managed. I was earning a net wage of 70 pesos per day, working 10 hours a day for 6 days a week. So every week I got paid 420 pesos. Every month I got 1,680 pesos. This was in 2004...

On the other hand, we were fed twice during the shift. Twice a day, a van would deliver our meals. Homecooked meals at that, and I could have all the rice I want. So I learned to eat a lot and eat them fast. We only got short breaks. The hours were long and lunchtime was the most hectic.

Across the branch where I was assigned is San Pedro College. There would be an awful lot students wanting to have their meals. God but I sigh at the memory of those days. Following up on delayed orders for hungry customers isn't really that good for the nerves.

Anyways, during the lulls where we didnt' get diners, I would clean the tables and the floor. And while I was doing so. the piped-in music would play the most popular songs. And one of them was Britney Spear's song. It never fails to evoke the memories I got on Magsaysay Avenue. It makes me appreciate my job even more.

Weird dream

I had one a few days ago. I almost forgot about it. I dreamt about goats that wanted to be sheep. And imagine goats with sheep fleece. An odd image actually. I should draw that before the concept slips from my mind. I used to keep a dream journal. It made for odd reading. Dreams never have plots. Nor do they end the way you would want them to. Exert control and it might as well be daydreaming.

Southern Memories

Now that I'm fully set on heading south this December, I suddenly find myself reminiscing on my Davao days. The streets that I frequently passed thru, the stores and landmarks I often watched pass by.

MacArthur Highway from Landmar 3 exit to Buhangin Crossing. God but I've almost forgotten there's an underpass there. Ford Academy where my siblings studied and where I often brought and fetched them. Victoria Plaza and it's theme song. We're always there for you. Gaisano Mall and its many establishments that I could not afford back then. Downtown area and its many nooks. NCCC Mall and nearby FilCan. I look forward to visiting them soon.

God. I'm having a trip down memory lane alright. But first, I fix my nostalgia for Baguio. And then a few months later, Davao. And Tacurong.

August and the rest of the months

Ok, trips are coming up this year. I've avoided them as much as I could but no way to keep doing so. Anyways, gonna meet Mitch's mom this month. That's a couple of weeks away. I wonder what the reception will be.

On September, off to Baguio! Booya! Of course, the problem's financing but I'll get there. Damn. I never realized out-of-town overnight trips could be so expensive. But I'll raise the fracking amount one way or the other. Sigh.

Ocotober and November are not sure yet but December I'm off to Davao! I miss my sibs. And I plan to give Mitch a tour of my old hangouts. God but I'll feel old once we prowl the old haunts.