Up in Flames

That's where my plans went. I came here to Manila with intentions of gearing things up and making my situation stable before I hit the 3-0 mark. Damn. I'm 3 years away from that age but I still feel the same person...

Anyways, I don't go for a girl until I have something to be proud of. But now? Let's put it this way. I just had one more motivation to get myself established. Motivation for a pay raise and promotion. I can't say I regret meeting her. It is... good... to be able to feel again. Even with requisite additional insecurities, anxieties, self-doubt, obsession, fantasizing.

Of course, I'm yet to see if she'll fall for me too. Hearsay's all good and well but I wish for a little more sign that she returns my affections.

And to top it all off, there's always the necessary financing of my plans. Yup, Davao won't be pleased about this. I can see my mother's reaction now. Well, she'll have to live with it. She's got her own family after all and her husband has the responsibility to support his family. It's not my responsibility after all. I grew up in that family that did not want me.

I guess that's why I feel so alone. And look forward to the company of people I call friends. It's actually depressing sometimes even though I am extremely used to solitude. Which is why I look forward to having a girlfriend again. Having someone share my world is... well, it's beyond words.

Of course, I have a lot of reminders that I say to myself. Never be clingy, never be controlling. Be funny. Be a good companion. Be affable. And at the root of it all, my personality will always be the same. Quiet, observing, and be very, very stubborn when I choose to be. And always, the path of honor... I'll die because of it, but there it is.

Anyhow, ramblings aside, I'm still getting to know her better. I look forward to our future dates.