After Xmas reflection

That was an interesting Christmas eve. Quiet. At least it was a get-together of sorts. The day before? Not so interesting.

There should be a way, somehow... I find my chance. And I can finally sever my ties. And end to the pain. A time to heal.

Well, I still have an out-of-town trip to do. And family to meet.

Pitstop

If it's one thing I've realized this past week, it's the need for a break. I have one coming up a few days before Christmas and it's filled with events. I intend to use that time to reflect on what's happened to me this whole year and try to find a sense of direction for the next year. All the while spending quality time with friends and family.

In my current state, I can't recognize myself. Where was the person I was 3 months ago? I know that person is somewhere in the inner recesses of my mind. He has to be found soon. I don't want to end my year being antisocial.

Sundays

Assuming I did not drink too much and managed to awaken on a Sunday morning, I do nothing. Yep. And strangely enough, I spend just as much as if I went to the mall or something. I keep surfing or stuffing my stomach.

Foreboding

I think I finally stumbled on a resolution for the new year. It's not really a resolution. More like a commitment. One that I fully intend to carry out.

I have been questioning my frame of reference for quite some time since I got to be on my own. And from the looks of things, it seems I will have to take what I have been doing recently a step further.

It will mean destroying myself. I just hope something good will come out of it.

Endgame

It approaches and I feel helpless. Hamstrung, more like it. I have too many things to do and although I have the time, I don't have the resources to do so. The year ends and I must prepare for the next one. I better start working on good habits and shake off the bad ones and leave them where they ought to be, in the dredges of the year that is, and will have been, 2008.

So here I am with a cough that has taken up long-term residence in my throat and an urge to smoke that won't go away. Put together and I'm in a win-win situation. For my misery that is. It's absolutely awful to wake up from peaceful slumber with a hacking cough so strong I often feel the urge to throw up.

Let's see. There are these events for this weekend. Debts to pay. Again. Weekend activities with colleagues and friends. My maelstrom of emotions that bug me sometimes. Bouts of melancholy that hits me a lot. Motivations and distractions. Then the Christmas Holiday itself and places where I have to and want to be. And all this weekend drinking with not enough exercise is starting to give me a beer belly. Whenever I try to pick something up from the ground, I feel something solid obstructing me at my belly area. Hurrah.

If I play my cards right, I know I can do it. But still I worry. I know myself too well. Self-discipline isn't exactly one of my strong points, despite my age.

Countermeasures? Get a lid on my spending binges. Fast. And hard. Accept things for what they are. I should accept that I can change things but it has limitations. I can't change most of the things around me, but I can change how I react to my environment. If the dynamics are what they are and I have no power over it, why worry? Just let it be and I can always brainwash myself into accepting it. Although I feel twinges of regret and sometimes wonder what could have been, it's futile. Expect nothing, hope for nothing. I should keep repeating that.

And I should live what I sometimes say to myself. I am, as I ever was, unbound. I am free. Free from all the crap that life keeps throwing at me. Sure I'll get hit right in the face but I can choose not to lose my cool over it.

On a sidenote, an uncle of mine's coming home. I wonder if my dad gave him anything for me. As much as I claim not to hope and expect anything from him, I can be a hypocrite sometimes. I mean, really. It can help me get set for 2009.